So Many Endless Cycles

What sucks about chronic pain conditions are the sheer amount of cycles you as a person are exposed to.

But we can’t talk about them. At least, no one wants us to talk about them.

Migraines cause insomnia, may it be in any of the stages of an attack. The insomnia either exacerbates the attack or triggers the next.

We miss work, and we get stressed about our finances. We get stressed about the strain we put on our loved ones. Stress exacerbates the attack or triggers the next.

Stress also causes insomnia. See above.

Insomnia and stress can cause anxiety and depression, which leads to more attacks, leading to more anxiety over finances and general depression.

I don’t know about you, but I get depressed from how much stress I cause others. That people worry about me all of the time.

Sometimes, it’s all I can do to not break down and cry.

But I don’t cry. I can’t. Crying exacerbates the attack or triggers the next. The tears form, those telltale gasping breaths begin…and I hold them back. Swallow them away.

However, fighting off the tears and sobs exacerbates the attack or triggers the next.

Notice the pattern?

I don’t like to be negative, despite what so many seem to want to believe about me. I don’t like feeling like some sort of useless invalid who does nothing except sleep and cause strain on her friends and family.

Sensing an oncoming attack nearly triggers a panic attack almost every time.

Look above concerning anxiety.

I feel like a failure more often than I feel like a success. My thoughts in times like these get dark, I feel like I am falling into a hole with walls so steep and slick that I will never be able to climb back out. I can’t help but wonder if people think I like being in pain or a general burden on the bulk of society.

I didn’t ask for this.

If I had to chose who should be stuck with this life (allowing that “no one” isn’t a viable answer), I would ask to take it on myself.

Because I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone… Even at my worst, I can’t be that cruel.

I wish I had the ability to at least keep it all to myself. The fact that it affects those I care about, may it be by causing worry or stress, is almost worse than the illness itself.

I want to break the cycle so much.

💖Hearts and Sparkles!💖
~Bunny~

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It’s Not That Sort of Hangover…

Usually, when I talk about having a “hangover,” everyone immediately assumes I am referring to the aftereffects of a hard night of partying.

Yeah…no.

For one, I am not much of a drinker outside of special occasions or social gatherings of close, trusted friends. Aside from that, I live by a set of fairly rigid morals. By that, I mean that I don’t go partying if I have plans of any sort the following day. Honestly, I don’t go partying period. In my whole adult life (I turned 21 in the spring of 2006), I have had one hangover ever, and it was nothing like they show on TV. I had a headache and my mouth felt like it was made of cotton. Two aspirin, a couple dozen ounces of water, and some toast took care of it in a trice.

No, when I say I have a hangover, I mean that I have a migraine hangover. That is the usual way that a migraineur will express the feelings that come with the postdrome phase of a migraine. The postdrome is the final stage of a migraine attack, the four phases being predrome, aura (although this phase is not present in those who do not get aura with their migraines), migraine, postdrome.

The predrome phase usually happens in the days leading up to the actual migraine. It can manifest in so many ways that if I were to list them all, I would be sure to miss a lot! For me, I usually will either have a sudden burst of energy and be restless, or I will be so tired that I don’t want to do anything aside from sit and crochet or sleep. I also yawn all the time.

For me, aura can be present, but not always, and will usually occurs a few hours before the attack itself. When I do get it, I get either dancing lights or shadows in my peripheral vision, which is frustrating because I usually think something is going on just beyond my blind spot. I spend a great deal of time looking over my shoulder to the point that I probably look paranoid. I will also get bouts of vertigo (where the room will spin for a moment) or disequilibrium (the world will dip like a boat in rough seas). If my balance is effected, I will also suffer from something called parasthesias, which is a fancy word for a pins-and-needles sensation in my hands, feet, and face (mainly around my mouth area…imagine a feeling that your lips or tongue has fallen asleep! It’s weird!).

Next comes the attack. This is the migraine people know about. Throbbing pain, excessive yawning, pain in the sinuses… the list continues. Even with medication and treatment, this phase can last anywhere from a few hours to several days.

Finally, comes the postdrome or hangover. This can be as “mild” (term used loosely) as fatigue to as serious as the preceding migraine, but usually without the head pain. During this phase, I am very susceptible to a relapse, going back to the third phase and starting over. Sometimes, during my hangover, I struggle with speech. Somewhere between my brain and my mouth, words stop working right. I am irritable, since it is so easy for me to get another migraine. I am also exhausted. This phase usually (for me, anyway) lasts from one to three days.

Migraine hangover sucks. There is no other way to say it. Sure, it is not as bad as the attack, but good grief, stop assuming I have some sort of party girl alter-ego! 😅

💖Hearts and Sparkles!💖
~Bunny~