So Many Endless Cycles

What sucks about chronic pain conditions are the sheer amount of cycles you as a person are exposed to.

But we can’t talk about them. At least, no one wants us to talk about them.

Migraines cause insomnia, may it be in any of the stages of an attack. The insomnia either exacerbates the attack or triggers the next.

We miss work, and we get stressed about our finances. We get stressed about the strain we put on our loved ones. Stress exacerbates the attack or triggers the next.

Stress also causes insomnia. See above.

Insomnia and stress can cause anxiety and depression, which leads to more attacks, leading to more anxiety over finances and general depression.

I don’t know about you, but I get depressed from how much stress I cause others. That people worry about me all of the time.

Sometimes, it’s all I can do to not break down and cry.

But I don’t cry. I can’t. Crying exacerbates the attack or triggers the next. The tears form, those telltale gasping breaths begin…and I hold them back. Swallow them away.

However, fighting off the tears and sobs exacerbates the attack or triggers the next.

Notice the pattern?

I don’t like to be negative, despite what so many seem to want to believe about me. I don’t like feeling like some sort of useless invalid who does nothing except sleep and cause strain on her friends and family.

Sensing an oncoming attack nearly triggers a panic attack almost every time.

Look above concerning anxiety.

I feel like a failure more often than I feel like a success. My thoughts in times like these get dark, I feel like I am falling into a hole with walls so steep and slick that I will never be able to climb back out. I can’t help but wonder if people think I like being in pain or a general burden on the bulk of society.

I didn’t ask for this.

If I had to chose who should be stuck with this life (allowing that “no one” isn’t a viable answer), I would ask to take it on myself.

Because I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone… Even at my worst, I can’t be that cruel.

I wish I had the ability to at least keep it all to myself. The fact that it affects those I care about, may it be by causing worry or stress, is almost worse than the illness itself.

I want to break the cycle so much.

💖Hearts and Sparkles!💖
~Bunny~

Advertisements